Joyous Ignorance
by vittoria del sottaceto
Summary: Life for Bella has been a series of awkward experiences and unhappy circumstances. One day, she'll understand what the fuss is about. One day, she'll meet her match. Eventual B/E lots of inbetween. AH. AU.
1. Summer of 1998

_Summer of 1998 - 12_

I remember the first time I "tongue kissed" a boy. I was a little prude and I had been holding out. My friends made fun of me for it, but I didn't care. I was only twelve. Besides, it seemed a little unsanitary to me.

Don't get me wrong – he was hot. Er, cute. Well, other girls liked him. I could care less.

My friend, Jessica, was a little younger but was far more experienced than me. Boys had touched her boobs. Probably because she had some to touch. She had been pressuring me to go out with Mike. Then she pressured me to kiss Mike. He wasn't the first guy that I kissed, but he was the first popular boy who showed interest in me.

Sometime in the summer in the late 90s, Jessica, Mike, and I were hanging in a shaded corner of water at the local pool. It started simple enough. We were having fun and joking around. Mike kept snapping his gum and it began to irritate Jessica.

Unfortunate for me, when Jessica was annoyed, it was usually I who suffered most.

"Mike, I dare you to kiss Bella in public. Right now," He scoffed, of course. For one thing, she dared him and if she had learned anything that summer, it was that he never refused a dare. Ever. Second, he was all about the kissing… he was just waiting on me to slip the tongue. He smiled at me and I returned it. Kissing was no big deal. I wasn't big on the PDA, but eh, I'd live. After a quick peck, he turned back to Jess, triumphant that he had completed her challenge. She just smirked.

"I dare you to French her." My face grew hot. "I want that stupid piece of gum that's in your mouth to be in hers."

Mike gave me a quick glance, his smile gone. Instead of doing what I thought he would do, what I hoped he would do, he did what I should have known he would do. He cornered me and blocked my way out. His face descended slowly and his lips met mine.

It wasn't so bad at first. After all, a little tongue never hurt anyone. It was when he tried to give me his gum that it got incredibly awkward and disgusting.

Mike eventually succeeded in shoving a piece of flavorless gum into my mouth. He was able to continue his reign of never passing on a dare. Jess lost her irritation and suddenly left, looking a little flushed.

A couple weeks after my awkward kiss with Mike, I met Garrett Denali at a party. He was alright. He was always nice to me. We talked on AIM a lot but we never hung out. We didn't have whole lot in common. He talked about bowls often and I wasn't quite sure what that meant. He would just laugh and say, "Forget it, Bella". While I never understood, he never made me feel stupid – he would always change the subject quickly.

I would later find out exactly what type of bowls he was referring, too. I'd also find out that my first impression of him wasn't as spot-on as I had thought.


	2. Summer of 2000

_Summer of 2000 – 14_

I had always heard horrible stories about it. It was going to hurt. There would be uncomfortable stretching, possible ripping, and buckets of blood. I was prepared for the horror stories because I wanted him to like me.

His friends had told me how big he was and you could hear the jealousy dripping from their lips as they asked me what I preferred.

How was I supposed to know? I was 14 and I had never done that before. I had barely done anything before, let alone have an opinion on what kind of dick I wanted in me.

I had never even seen a real one.

One of his friends, Peter, asked if I wanted 10 long, skinny inches or a coke can and all I could think about is how much I liked cokes. Once I snapped myself out of my soda-craving-haze, I told him long and skinny because I wanted Garrett to like me. There was no way I was going to pick anything other than was God had given to Garrett.

Garrett and I had talked on AIM for a couple of years on and off. We met at a party and bonded over separated parents. His parents had gotten a divorce several years ago and he was pretty much over it. Mine were constantly fighting and my mom had recently moved across town. It wasn't looking good, but it seemed like the best. They were toxic together.

I hadn't seen him but that once, until recently. School had just gotten out for the summer and he had been at a baseball game. My brother's game was on the other side of the park, but I had been bored. We ran into each other at a concession stand.

Well, I ran into him. He laughed it off and spent the rest of the day with me at a near-by park.

Later that week, he asked me to the movies. I wore red because it was his favorite color.

I don't think he looked at the screen once.

His mother was intimidating. The first time I went to his house to meet her was awful. I arrived only to find the woman, which was opening the door to welcome her sons' new girlfriend, had been my 7th grade math teacher.

The same math teacher who had assumed I was just as proficient in math as my know-it-all brother and would spend the rest of the year correcting her mistakes. She was the same math teacher who spent the rest of the year delighting in the fact that I was no where near as proficient in math as my asshat brother and celebrated the fact that I constantly gave the wrong answers. I hoped she wouldn't hold my failures at math against me, but the scowl on her face was telling me that she was.

However, as the summer passed by, her scowl faded slowly. She began playing nice. She invited me to dinners and family-only celebrations often. I found that as long as I was overly polite and only spoke when spoken to, her scowl would remain dormant.

Summer was coming to a close and Garrett (and his mother) had invited me onto their boat for his birthday. I eagerly accepted and basked in the sun with Garrett, his mother, stepfather, and little sister. The awkwardness that had been present earlier in the summer seemed to have vanished on the boat and his family was more than friendly. When the day was overly, I was asked if I wanted to stay over for a while and was told that I'd be given a ride home around 11:30.

Garrett and I cuddled on the couch, as we had been for the past several hours. Movies had come and gone but I couldn't tell you what they were. I hadn't seen a minute of any of them. I was hyper-aware of the rooms' darkness and the handsome boy who was in front of me. He smiled at me and caressed my leg, brushing the hem of my shorts before kissing me lightly.

As his kisses got more intense, his hand slowly moved to the inside of my leg and up my loose Soffee shorts. His knee parted my legs for him as his touch increased and traced the hem of my underwear. He had touched me before and I was excited about the prospect of him doing it again. I pulled my body closer to his and I wrapped my leg around his hip. He smirked and, in an odd tone, warned me to not to make it obvious as he pushed my leg so that it was resting on his mid-thigh.

I was stunned for a second. He'd never used that tone with me and I wasn't sure what he meant by "make it obvious". But before I could straighten the confused look on my face, Garrett pushed aside my bathing suit bottoms and two fingers entered me roughly.

Suddenly, his intense kisses were hard. He knotted his free hand in my hair. His tongue mimicked his fingers and for a moment, I began to panic. He had never treated me like this. I wasn't ready for _this_. For sex.

As I was trying to prepare myself to attempt to stop him or at least say "no", he stopped abruptly. I sighed when he let up on my head and removed his fingers. Part of me was relieved, while the rest of me wished he would continue in a way that didn't make me so anxious.

My partial relief was short lived. I felt his hand fidgeting with something and I heard several buttons pop. He let out a low hum and wrapped one arm around my waist, pulling me toward him. His other hand was slowly moving up and down, and while I knew what he was doing to himself, I couldn't make my self look down to affirm it.

When I felt him touch my leg, I tensed up. His hand moved to my inner thigh and in a low voice he demanded that I lift it up. I stifled a gasp and swallowed hard, but obligingly bent my knee and lifted up a bit. He chuckled and told me to relax as he once again moved my panties out of the way.

I felt something prod at me and I let out a breath I had been unknowingly holding. Then, he was in me. His "ten inch dick" was inside of me. He began thrusting and needing my ass while letting out little grunts, but all I could think of were the horror stories all my friends had told me about their first times.

I had been lied to. The stretching. The tearing. The tears. The blood. Where were they? I couldn't figure out why it didn't hurt. His fingers hurt worst than this. Was I defective? I lay there, blindly looking at the television as a nameless movie played while I painlessly lost my virginity.

No more than two weeks past after my spectacularly bland first time and equally as lame second and third times when Katie McAndrews came to my fathers house in tears looking for me.

Katie and I were neighbors when I was with my dad. We weren't very close and I didn't particularly like her, but my heart always clenched at tears. She was confessing that she had blown her ex-boyfriend the night before at the park by our house. She cried as she told me that she knew he had a new girlfriend but that she had missed him so much. She told me that after she blew him, he tried to have sex with her but she couldn't do it because she didn't want to be the "other woman". I didn't say anything, but it confused me because she didn't mind sucking him off while he was with someone else… was she not already the "other woman"?

She sat on my porch and sobbed about how much she missed him and wanted him and how wrong it was. I awkwardly put my arm around her and tried to calm her. I told Katie that if she wanted this guy, she needed to tell him that she wouldn't be second. That if he wanted her, he needed to break up with his girlfriend and prove himself to her that he wouldn't do the same thing to her as he's doing with his current girlfriend. With confidence, I told her that any guy that cheats isn't worth a good girls heart.

This only seemed to upset her more. She sobbed louder and hiccupping, she told me that it was Garrett.

Garrett had cheated on me. He cheated on me with Katie.

She had come to me to confess and apologize. She said that she didn't want to but she was scared that if he asked her, she'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Because she loved him.

I froze. My heart stopped. I felt nauseous.

Just two weeks ago, I lost my virginity to Garrett in his parents' living room, on his parents couch, with his parents in the other room. Last night, Katie blew the same dick that was inside of me.

I stared blankly at the porch's railing before standing up without a word and went inside, leaving Katie and her sobs on my porch swing.

I don't remember much of what happened the rest of the night. I wasn't stupid enough to think that I loved Garrett. I knew I didn't. But I was pissed. I remember suddenly being at my mother's house but I couldn't recall how I got there or why. I do remember running. I vaguely remember fighting with my mother. She says I demanded that she stay the fuck out of my life after she had caught me crying. I must have been extremely rude to her because I ended up grounded. However, she still let me to go running to cool off.

When I returned to the house, I was more aware of my actions. I hadn't quite decided what to do about the Garrett situation. I got online and turned on my AIM. Almost immediately, Garrett IMed me. I wanted to see if he would confess to me. Apologize like Katie did. Maybe he loved her like she loved him. That wouldn't be terrible.

It wasn't ideal for me, but for them, I would try harder to understand, to not make it more difficult.

Garrett carried on a conversation like he hadn't cheated on me. Making suggestive comments to me about how his parents would be gone later and wanted me to come over. Not committing, I tried to act like nothing was wrong, and I waited for him to mention anything.

After getting no real response from me about later, he finally mentioned Katie. He said he had been hanging out with friends the night before and they had seen Katie. He told me that she was pathetic and tried to hang all over him. But for me not to worry – he brushed her off.

I snapped.

I broke up with him immediately. I told him he was an asshole. Furious, I asked him how he could steal my virginity like a douche and then turn around and lead Katie on like he did. I ranted about how unworthy he was of me and even of Katie and how I couldn't believe he would do that to someone. In a moment of truth, he told me. I shouldn't have been surprised at all, but he said me he had been waiting for Katie to come back to him. He planned to break up with me the second it happened. He had just wanted some while he was waiting.

I was stunned. He had used me.

Upset, I told him to go fuck himself. Just as I was closing my AIM, his response was simply: "I don't need to fuck myself. I've got people like you and Katie to do it for me."


	3. Spring 2001

_Late winter 2000 - Spring 2001 – Age 15_

After Garrett Denali, I was generally pissed off. Not at Katie. Often at Garrett.

Always at myself.

I mean, really? How stupid was I? I remember hearing about him at school and it was always, _always_ in conjunction with Katie McAndrews. I guess I just never paid attention. Or assumed that he wasn't over her.

I'm not proud of my actions after Garrett. Though it wasn't immediate, I pretty swiftly took up the stance of "I've lost my virginity, might as well fool around". I'm not saying I went out and had a lot of sex. I was pretty tame, but I was a bit promiscuous.

At first, I justified my not-quite-thought-through plans by thinking it would get back at Garrett. Even knowing that he used me, there was some part of me believed that he would care if I were with someone else. A part of me hoped that he would hear about it and then beg my forgiveness just so I could deny him. I never claimed to be the smartest girl in the world. I was in my early teens, I was angry, I was bitter, and, somehow, I thought I could do no wrong.

That nothing bad could happen to me.

But like I said, I never claimed to be the smartest girl in the world.

My parents had recently reunited and we moved to the other side of town. I was pretty excited, I knew who lived in this neighborhood and I knew that my screen came off my window easily. My friend, Lauren, and I plotted my late night escape route and made all sorts of plans for parties with the cute brothers next door.

The Venari brothers were practically legends. The younger, Riley, was in our freshmen class. He had been dating Lauren for a long time. And by dating, I mean fucking. Regularly. They had a pregnancy scare right before school ended last year. It resulted in a gigantic fight and they had actually broken up for a short bit, but now they're back together. I had seen more of both of them then I had ever wanted to, way more often than I should. They weren't shy and they always got a kick when I would, unknowingly walk into the room during their romps. My reaction was always the same: blush, stammer, and stagger blindly from the room. They would… finish, and then come find me, joking that maybe next time they'll lock the door to keep me out.

They never would.

Venari the Elder, as Lauren and I had always called him, was completely unattainable. His name was Peter and he was several years older than us. We knew the basics: he was hot, he drove a truck, and that my window would look into his if it weren't for the privacy fence separating our yards. The rest of what we "knew" about him was speculation and rumors of lusty girls who wanted him and Tanya who had him occasionally.

To Peter, we were just stupid kids. He wasn't that much older than us and he was younger than my brother, but there was a distinction between us that I'm not 100% sure really had to do with age. He and his friends rode around town like they owned it. And maybe they did. For the things that I had heard they've done, they should have been in jail several times over yet no arrests had ever been made.

In December, Riley invited Lauren and me to go sledding. It was rare that our snow actually stuck to the ground long enough to go sledding, so we jumped at the chance. We even invited our friend Maggie along.

Maggie was a good person for the most part. But she was always trying to be as popular as possible. Once back in 7th grade, she had ratted me and my crush on a boy to his popular girlfriend in hopes that it would make her look cool for making fun of me. It worked for a little bit. Maggie got popular before she made a fool of herself at some party. I never heard the full details but she came back to me and the lame friendship I had to offer her. I probably should have been angrier at her. But really, by that time, I couldn't really care less. She apologized profusely and said she recognized it was a shit thing to do then made a promise not to do anything like that again. I accepted but quietly promised myself I wouldn't tell her anything of importance or private from then on. Neither one of us would actually keep our promises.

We drove for a while, going into the next town over. It was more rural than ours. The roads were made of dirt and they were still icy whereas back in town, the roads had been cleared. I was absolutely looking forward to playing in the snow and forgetting how touchy Lauren was being with Riley today. Chances were, as soon as we got to where we were going, she'd leave Maggie alone with me and we'd be forced to hang out with older guys who thought we were stupid little girls. We were, of course. But when Riley was there with us, it wasn't as intimidating to be ourselves.

We still hadn't gotten to where we were going and Lauren got closer and closer to being on Riley's lap when Maggie broke the silence from the back of Peter's bronco. Paul and Marcus, two guys that always seemed to be where Peter was, just laughed when Maggie asked why we weren't heading to the hilly part of town. "Sledding" turned out not be actual sledding. Instead, the Venari brothers and some of their friends had hooked up an old car hood to the back of Peter's bronco.

"Wait… you want us to get in that?" Lauren scoffed. Her new puffy coat was white and her mom would flip if it got dirty. Riley pulled Lauren closer to him and whispered something in her ear. Something filthy, no doubt. Annoyed and, if I'm honest, jealous at their constant displays of affection, I nearly ran to the hood and hopped on. We didn't sled for very long. The hood didn't work quite as well as they had hoped and after one of Peter's friends, Marcus, got thrown off, we stopped all together and headed back into town.

From that point in time, I saw a lot more of Peter when I was at the Venari house. If he were home, he'd offer me a safe-haven from the sexual exploits of his brother. Sometimes, he would joke with me, asking why I didn't join in. Other times, he'd just offer me a controller to one of his video games and have me join him. Once or twice, we actually held a conversation. It turned out, Peter thought that my willingness to get dirty with the boys and my blatant disregard for Laurens stupid coat was cool.

In January, after one of their fights, Riley went over to Laurens house to work things out, or have a sex marathon. One of the two. I'm not sure why, but Peter picked me up from school that day. One minute I'm in his old, beat up Bronco thinking about and then the next we're on his bed grinding against each other with his tongue down my throat.

That day wasn't enough for either one of us. Almost everyday after school, he'd pick me up and I'd stay in his room until my parents got home. We had sex for the first time about 2 weeks later on his birthday.

I absolutely could not get enough of him.

He was bigger than and far better than Garrett. My small hands couldn't grasp a whole lot of him, but he never reacted like Garrett would have. There were no sneers, no snide remarks hidden behind false compliments. There were also no declarations, no promises, and no explanations. We didn't talk on the phone or hold hands. I was glad. I was glad he wasn't pretending that this was a relationship because I knew it wasn't.

I knew what he did when he wasn't around me. He had talked about girls before and I had heard enough rumors to know that some of them had to have some basis in fact.

I had also overheard details from Tanya. Tanya and I weren't friends, but she hung out with a few of the people I sat with occasionally. We were lumped together at times. She'd given me rides to school a couple of times, but the rides were always full of my quiet insecurities, my silent fear that he had said something to her and she knew.

Would she call me out on it if she did? Would she be angry? Or was she like me?

Much like Garrett and Katie McAndrews, Peter and Tanya's name have always been linked together in some way. Only, it wasn't just Tanya name. There was also an Allison and a Terri. Then there was the girl that he always talked about. The one that he says he would calm down for, if she'd only ask. Charlotte.

Charlotte didn't live near us. She was in the Venari's hometown, somewhere up north. I could always tell when Peter had talked to Charlotte. He was a little more demanding, his hands would grip tighter, he would push harder, and I would walk funny for hours after.

It was almost freeing. I wasn't tied down. I could live my life and talk to who I wanted. If I wanted to make out with someone one weekend, Peter didn't care about that. I could have silly crushes on nice boys, like Jasper Whitlock. He could sing me songs about brown eyes at school and then I could go home at the end of the day and not worry about him cheating on me. At play practice, I could flirt with Emmett McCarty and not be expected to go down on him after he tells me I'm pretty. When I became got busy with the freshman spring play or was away on a trip with my drama team, Peter Venari supported me with a "good job/welcome back" fuck.

We carried on quietly like this for months. After play practice. During my brother's soccer tournaments. Late at night when my family had long been asleep. When I was staying over at a friends house. He would always find me and sneak me away for about an hour. Nobody knew but us and that's exactly how I wanted it. I'd still be the sweet girl that Emmett and Jasper saw and challenged each other for everyday at school. But I didn't have to pretend with Peter. I could be bitter if I wanted. I could be the cynical little brat that I had turned into and he never scoffed at me or put me down. He never pressured me to do something I didn't want, but he made me want to try everything as soon and as much as possible.

I loved it.

Not him, but us.

It wasn't until April that I realized something was wrong.

I was at Maggie's house and she would not shut up. She was complaining about something but I had long since tuned her out. Maggie didn't complain much, but when she did, she went on and on. Mostly about her little half-sister, Carrie.

Carrie was younger. Not by a lot, but enough to drive Maggie crazy with everything she did. She had recently turned 11 and her body was growing faster than her parents would keep up with. Apparently Carrie had borrowed Maggie's clothes again. Maggie had been throwing a fit since we had gotten to her house from school and I was to the point where I was going to walk home. I was brought out of my own world of staring at a magazine page for far too long when Carrie ran into the room crying and slammed the bathroom door.

"See! She doesn't even give a fuck before just barging in here!" Maggie threw herself off of her bed and started pounding on the bathroom door.

"Isn't this her room, too?"

"It doesn't matter! She should still fucking knock! I could have been naked!" She gave the bathroom door a final kick and stomped out of her room, probably to go yell at her mom for a while about her privacy. I took a deep breath, relieved about the sudden quiet and that I wouldn't have to walk home just yet. Home was far and it'd take a long time to get there.

About 20 minutes passed and the bathroom door was still quiet. Carries sniffles had ceased along with the yelling from downstairs. Maggie hadn't come back and that was fine with me. I was content right where I was, but it was really uncharacteristic of Carrie to be so quiet and anti-social.

I tapped on the door and asked if she was okay. I heard that the door was open and that I could come in so I cracked it and peered inside.

"Hey, Bella," Carrie said in a flat tone from the far corner of the small room. Her face was pale and her eyes had obviously been crying. She was cuddled in a ball. She looked smaller than normal. She looked ill.

"Are you alright?" I asked, slightly unnerved. I liked Carrie. I liked her a bit more than her sister, but I wasn't really in the mood to get whatever she had or to hear about some boy who wouldn't hold her hand. I wasn't looking forward to her throwing a fit like Maggie had, not that I had ever witnessed one, but being related to Maggie – I was sure they existed. I just wanted to go back to the bed where I was and zone back out before my host returned and a happier Maggie expected me to gossip like the 15 year old girl I was.

I watched her carefully, watching her pale cheeks get a little more color to them before they faded back.

"I – I, uh, started today." She stuttered at me quietly. Started? Confused, I looked around the room, trying to catch a hint at what she meant. Nothing out of the ordinary was around. Maggie's bathroom looked the way it always did. A new roll of toilet paper waiting for the empty one to be thrown away, the shirt that I gave Carrie when I got sick of it, a box of tampons near the toilet, make up strewn across the counter, a bra that Carrie had borrowed from Maggie that may have been the start of the tantrum. Maybe she meant she started something at school? She was pretty athletic, but not as good as Maggie. Maybe her coach compared her and was disappointed? I knew about that. Adults always compared me to my brother and I had always come up lacking.

"Started what?" I asked after a few minutes of coming up with nada. Carrie hid her face in her knees. She mumbled what sounded like gibberish. I was about to let her know that I couldn't speak gibberish when I heard her.

"… and then they wanted me to try a tampon and I can't put that up _there_! That's disgusting! How would it even fit?" Carrie whined and started to cry again. I got up and put my arm around her and drew her into me.

Oh.

Her period. Okay. I could handle this. Periods, for most, aren't a big deal. I mean, I got one every month.

_Oh_.


End file.
